Longterm Self Gaslighting Led to the Great Resignation
Kristina Mereigh
Director of Wellbeing
People are quitting their jobs left and right…but why did they stay all this time?
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 4.3 million people quit their jobs in August of 2021. There have been countless articles about the “Great Resignation” and why people are leaving their roles now. Three of the top reasons for leaving include:
1) Career breaks due to burnout brought on by or exacerbated by the pandemic.
2) Search for purpose and meaning in their work.
3) Desire for more money or a workplace that will more readily accommodate their familial/ individual needs, perhaps more days working from home.
Missing in the discourse is what kept people stagnant in roles that they were unhappy with for years. People will say that the answers are obvious: money, obligation, loyalty. One that is less obvious is self-gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and/or manipulation that can make someone question their own thoughts, feelings, reality, and sanity. Poor leaders use gaslighting techniques to keep workers from placing blame on themselves rather than on the institution’s poor leadership and communication skills. It is often a part of the cycle of violence that becomes internalized; resulting in self-doubt, a breakdown of confidence, suppression of healthy thoughts/ emotions, and regular, unhealthy questioning of self. It begins to alienate individuals from their internal compass. Self-gaslighting becomes a survival technique to help employees adopt and survive their toxic relationships with their employer/ supervisor which leaves people more vulnerable to further abuse. Long-term effects of gaslighting (self or otherwise) can result in mistrust of others, ourselves, depression, and heightened anxiety.
I collected 100 examples of self-gaslighting across three social media platforms. Here are summaries of the most common examples of what self-gaslighting at work sounds like:
“It’s me not them… If I work harder to outshine everyone then the institution will recognize my work and meet my needs/department’s needs. I just need to do more”. “It isn’t that bad. It’s not going to be different anywhere else.” “I need to take feedback better.” “My own insecurities are standing in the way of my success.” “I’m lucky to even be here, so I need to suck it up and just try to fit in.” “At least I have a job, so many people don’t.” “I have to stay at least two years or it will negatively affect prospects.” “I should be tougher and stronger to deal with anything that comes my way.” “Hazing me or these harmful hours is a part of the process to make me stronger or to make me a better __.” “If I act more like ___ or shrink myself to fit in. They will be more accepting of me.” “…the money.”
If you resonate with one or more of these self-gaslighting themes, it is time to learn how to trust yourself again, make space for yourself to heal, and find opportunities to separate yourself in the short or long term from this abusive relationship. You are not alone.
This is a reminder that you are valuable, you have a lot to offer and it is not too late to find a place that will value you and treat you with care from your onboarding to offboarding. Be encouraged and do not stop expecting and moving towards great things. Great things are coming your way if you reach for them. In the meantime, practice self-compassion by talking back to the shame monster: “You are worthy of being treated with respect and dignity”, “You are not a poor cultural fit, they haven’t made space for you to shine”, “Your feelings and experiences are valid”.
Self-gaslighting can alienate us from our mind/body connection. Speak with a friend, family member, and/or professional to help you re-establish “your truths”, rather than the ones you’ve concocted to protect yourself. There are ways that you can take space from the institution that will keep your finances and career safe for a few weeks/months while you take steps towards healing and/or new employment opportunities. If you never ask, you will never know the possibilities that may exist.
According to a 2020 SHRM survey, 84 percent of American workers say poorly trained people managers create a lot of unnecessary work and stress. If instituting 360 performance reviews and providing inclusive communications and team management training to supervisors is not part of your well-being strategy moving forward, your company will continue to lose good employees. Let’s do better together.